owners manual

a product information guide and limited warranty
for new parents
( found this in an old edition of fit pregnancy mag)

congratulations!

you are the proud parents of a 2007/2008 model child. your offspring has been issued a social security number for registration purposes. please present this number when product needs servicing. to identify make and model, locate adapter between lower appendages. if adapter is female (xx), you have a beautiful baby girl. if adapter is male (xy), a bouncing baby boy is yours. warning for owners of xx model! beautiful is a relative term.
warning for owners of xy model! do not attempt to actually bounce baby.

packaging

baby comes wrapped in protective coating. do not sign for delivery if this layer is missing or appears to have been tampered with. all extraneous material, including placenta, is not reusable and must be properly disposed of.
a fuel line (ubc) connects model to host unit. only a licensed representative should disconnect cord. product should operate as a cordless unit for the duration of its lifetime. batteries should not be inserted into baby.

warnings
do not use baby to block heating or cooling vents.
do not store foreign objects in baby's openings.
do not attempt to fold or compress baby into small spaces.

helpful hints

*gently jiggling baby in an up/down motion patting on spine can remove air bubbles.
*for the first six months, power source can be sustained with fda-approved formula (not included) or unpasteurized calcium and vitamin d source provided by mother unit.
*when programing and communicating with baby, exaggerate and articulating language with movement, as when talking with a foreigner, is recommended.
*baby will not become self-cleaning for at least two years. it is recommended that porous surface be wiped at least twice a day and whenever leakage occurs. unit may be lubricated using baby lotion, diaper cream or other nontoxic solvent.

trouble shooting
problem baby won't shut down.
try producing melodic and somniferous sound waves and reposition unit using a pendulum motion.
problem baby leaks and discharges.
try changing vacuum-sealed disposal bag (not included)
problem baby is not desired make and model.
try living with this common problem. do not try to change gender of model by attaching or removing x or y parts.
problem baby does not resemble father unit.
try calling local service center for confirmation of compatible programming code. or skip previous step and get over it.

warranty and limitations of liability

warranty for full return will terminate at the end of one year. after which time resale and relocation become difficult. owner is responsible for indirect, special, incidental and consequential damages caused by the above mentioned under any legal authority, including but not limited to damage to public and/or private property, havoc wreaked on marriage, and lost profits, youth hair, leisure time and sanity. owner will cover all costs of damage to and maintenance of data programmed and stored in system of processor until expiration date of eighteen (18) years despite products individual claims of autonomy.